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Four Tips for Putting Yourself First, From a Recovering Person Who Wants to Please Others

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It took me a while to admit it, but I’m (and all the time have been) a serial people pleaser. To put it mildly, I canceled my very own twenty first birthday celebration because my roommate was pressuring me to go to her boyfriend’s college party as a substitute. My friends couldn’t understand why I’d skip celebrating a milestone birthday to exit with a bunch of strangers. My roommate assured me it could be ten times more fun than hanging out in town like I had planned, but the reality was she didn’t want to go to the party alone. And my truth was that I didn’t have the courage to say no to her. I couldn’t handle the pressure of disappointing someone who was trying so hard to get me to go in a direction that was of their best interests over mine. So I spent my twenty first as a shy girl in a drunk and aggressive stranger’s house, where nobody talked to me, much less wished me a completely happy birthday. I went back to my dorm and cried myself to sleep, knowing that by not letting my roommate down, I used to be letting myself down.

Fast forward to today, and a lot has modified in my life. I’ve modified careers, moved from New York City to the suburbs, and am taking the primary steps toward buying a home. But I’m most happy with completing two years of therapy that was transformational in reversing my people-pleasing tendencies. I’ve been able to trace it back to the source: Growing up with well-meaning but emotionally unavailable parents, I always craved the reassurance and validation they couldn’t give. My parents never showed affection out of hand; only after I completed something, like making the glory roll or doing chores across the house that none of my siblings wanted to do.

This transactional form of affection became my plan. I believed that sacrifice was the value of entry into relationships. I didn’t like to cause a stir by speaking up when my needs weren’t being met, which kept me in a cycle of unrequited relationships. It was easy to see myself as a victim in these situations, but through therapy and ongoing self-reflection, I noticed that ending the cycle of people-pleasing had to start with the lady within the mirror—and step one was to re-parent the inner child inside her.

I unlearned people-pleasing by taking 4 intentional steps toward living more authentically and being more intentional about how I show up for myself and people around me. To explore this topic, I also spoke with two Black therapists: Joy Harden Bradford, Ph.D., founding father of Therapy For Black Girls and writer of and Candyce “Ce” Anderson, a mental health consultant and CEO of Revita Therapy and Wellness. Here are the insights they’d to share to stop putting the needs of others before their very own.

Put your “Future Self” first

There’s a reason flight attendants inform you to secure your oxygen mask before helping someone with theirs. It’s virtually not possible to help someone in a crisis whenever you’re not in a state of equilibrium yourself. By taking a moment to assess my priorities before committing to plans, I find myself more balanced and far less exhausted. How did I get here? By putting my future self first (because pouring from an empty cup all the time seems doable until it’s time to start pouring).

These days, when someone asks me for a favor, I stop to take into consideration how my future self will show up. Will I be too exhausted from the workweek to drive my friend to the airport? Will I actually have time to pick up that coworker’s extra task while they’re on vacation, or will my future self be hurt and irritated that I said yes after I’m barely maintaining with my work? Keeping my future self on the forefront of my decision-making has helped me manage my life from a place of self-compassion and honesty. It’s also given me relief because I can rest easy knowing that I haven’t overcommitted to anything.

Bradford noticed that when people overstep their boundaries, they often feel resentful, which is a clear signal that their boundaries need to be tightened.

“I think the first thing is to slow down when responding to requests,” she says. “A lot of us who fall into this people-pleasing trap, our immediate response is, ‘Yes, of course, I can do that,’ rather than taking some time to say, ‘Let me think about it, I’ll call you back.’ Slowing down allows you to examine whether you actually have the time and bandwidth to take on a new task or consider whether this is something you actually want to do.”

Four Tips for Putting Yourself First, From a Recovering Person Who Wants to Please Others
stick note on blue space with handwritten text Sorry – I can not do it right away – the concept of a one who wants to please others, learns to say “no” politely as a substitute of claiming “yes” to make too big commitments

Get comfortable with conflict

In addition to recognizing your limitations, learning to say “no” and say “no” is important to avoiding people-pleasing territory. As a peace-loving, conflict-averse person, I’ve had to accept that there’s no way to avoid the conflict that may come from drawing a line within the sand. But saying “yes” to belongings you don’t really need to do so as to avoid conflict is rooted in fear and easily keeps you in a prison of over-giving. “People-pleasing comes from exhaustion and betrayal of yourself to please others out of guilt or fear of negative reactions from those people,” Anderson says.[People pleasers] “they work really, really hard to prioritize acceptance by others and avoid conflict even though it goes against their own interests.”

Honestly, I had to learn to placed on my big-girl panties and accept a little little bit of the proverbial struggle. I established healthier boundaries by calling people out once they were disrespecting me (intentionally or not) or crossing a line I had clearly set for them. People didn’t all the time respect it or prefer it, but it surely helped me separate the individuals who really cared about me and wanted to be a part of the community from the individuals who didn’t—and that wasn’t something to feel guilty about. Adding to that, Bradford confirms, “Letting go of a number of the things that make people completely happy means learning to be more comfortable with conflict and discomfort. Going back to the definition, I feel a lot of individuals try to avoid feeling guilty about having to say no. And I feel that [we should] give you the option to accept the incontrovertible fact that people could be upset or it could be uncomfortable, but you will not die from that feeling. Learning to accept that feeling will provide help to be more able to rise up for yourself.”

By setting boundaries on the road, I helped other people understand my needs, and in turn, I higher understood their needs.

Be prepared for grief in relationships

The hard truth is that many individuals in my life have benefited from my efforts to please others. I actually believed that every one of my unwavering kindness would sooner or later be reciprocated, and typically it was. However, those one-sided relationships quickly evaporated once I spoke up and asked for consideration and respect. It was incredibly painful to part ways with people I assumed were on my side, but grieving those relationships with the knowledge that we simply weren’t compatible helped me heal and move on with none ongoing resentment or anger. When it was all said and done, I used to be grateful to be ignored of those group chats.

Don’t get me mistaken — as humans, we’re a community. Part of being in a community is showing up for those that show up for you, which can sometimes require you to inconvenience yourself. But Bradford says reciprocity needs to be your barometer.[Ask yourself] do you’re feeling like everyone seems to be there for one another? Because I feel when that happens, you do not even think, “When was the last time this person did something for me?” Because that is the expectation within the circle. Whenever it starts to feel unbalanced and you are the one showing up or another person is showing up, then I feel that is the limit.”

Learning how to let people go without feeling guilty is particularly key. Anderson says it’s something that black women particularly struggle with. “When women sit down on my couch, the first thing they say is, ‘Yes, I’m overworked. Yes, I have high blood pressure. Yes, I have this chronic illness. But I still have to be there for people and give back to them, because when I don’t, I can’t deal with the guilt.”

Let people be there for you

Like many black women, I grew up with the trope of the “strong black woman.” I believed my independence was my superpower. Being able to endure life’s hardships alone and carry the burden of the world on my shoulders felt like a badge of honor. I felt ashamed to ask for help because I didn’t inherently feel worthy unless I used to be acting in service to others. Therapy helped me understand that there’s power in having the ability to ask for help whenever you need it and lean on those that love you.

Speaking to Bradford, she agrees that black women often have a hard time asking for help due to cultural norms, but we hurt ourselves more after we keep our mouths shut. “A lot of times we don’t want to burden other people,” Bradford says. “We don’t want to burden other people because we know how busy they are. But I say to people, ‘How many times would you drop everything to be there for someone?’ A lot of us do that a lot, but we don’t give people the opportunity to drop something for us. So I think asking for help and actually allowing people to show up for you is a skill that needs to be practiced.”

This article was originally published on : www.essence.com
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Health and Wellness

Jury awarded $310 million to parents of teenager who died after falling on a ride at Florida amusement park – Essence

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The family of Tire Sampson, the 14-yr-old who tragically died on an amusement park ride in Orlando, Florida, in 2022, has been awarded $310 million in a civil lawsuit.

Tire, who was visiting ICON Park along with his family on March 24, 2022, fell from the FreeFall drop tower. Although he was taken to a nearby hospital, he didn’t survive his injuries.

Now, greater than two years later, a jury has held the vehicle manufacturer, Austria-based Funtime Handels, responsible for the accident and awarded the Tire family $310 million. According to reports from local news stations WFTV AND KSDKthe jury reached its verdict after about an hour of deliberation.

Tyre’s parents will each receive $155 million, according to attorney spokesman Michael Haggard.

Attorneys Ben Crump and Natalie Jackson, who represented Tyre’s family, shared their thoughts on this landmark decision via X (formerly Twitter). “This ruling is a step forward in holding corporations accountable for the safety of their products,” they said in a statement.

Lawyers stressed that Tyre’s death was attributable to “gross negligence and a failure to put safety before profits.” They added that the ride’s manufacturer had “neglected its duty to protect passengers” and that the substantial award ensured it could “face the consequences of its decisions.”

Crump and Jackson said they hope the result will encourage change throughout the theme park industry. “We hope this will spur the entire industry to enforce more stringent safety measures,” they said. “Tire heritage will provide a safer future for drivers around the world.”

An investigation previously found that Tyre’s harness was locked through the descent, but he dislodged from his seat through the 430-foot fall when the magnets engaged. Tire’s death was ruled the result of “multiple injuries and trauma.”

ICON Park said at the time that it could “fully cooperate” with the authorities.

This article was originally published on : www.essence.com
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Health and Wellness

Tireless HIV/AIDS advocate A. Cornelius Baker dies

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HIV/AIDS Advocate, A. Cornelius Baker


A. Cornelius Baker, a tireless advocate of HIV and AIDS testing, research and vaccination, died Nov. 8 at his home in Washington, D.C., of hypertensive, atherosclerotic heart problems, in response to his partner, Gregory Nevins.

As previously reported, Baker was an early supporter for people living with HIV and AIDS within the Nineteen Eighties, when misinformation and fear-mongering in regards to the disease were rampant.

According to Douglas M. Brooks, director of the Office of National AIDS Policy under President Obama, it was Baker’s Christian faith that guided him toward compassion for others.

“He was very kind, very warm and inclusive – his circles, both professional and personal, were the most diverse I have ever seen, and he was guided by his Christian values,” Brooks told the outlet. “His ferocity was on display when people were marginalized, rejected or forgotten.”

In 1995, when he was executive director of the National AIDS Association, Baker pushed for June 27 to be designated National HIV Testing Day.

In 2012, he later wrote on the web site of the Global Health Advisor for which he was a technical advisor that: “These efforts were intended to help reduce the stigma associated with HIV testing and normalize it as part of regular screening.”

https://twitter.com/NBJContheMove/status/1856725113967632663?s=19

Baker also feared that men like himself, black gay men, and other men from marginalized communities were disproportionately affected by HIV and AIDS.

Baker pressured the Clinton administration to incorporate black and Latino people in clinical drug trials, and in 1994 he pointedly told the Clinton administration that he was bored with hearing guarantees but seeing no motion.

According to Lambda Legal CEO Kevin Jennings, yes that daring attitude that defines Baker’s legacy in the world of ​​HIV/AIDS promotion.

“Cornelius was a legendary leader in the fight for equality for LGBTQ+ people and all people living with HIV,” Jennings said in a press release. “In the more than twenty years that I knew him, I was continually impressed not only by how effective he was as a leader, but also by how he managed to strike the balance between being fierce and kind at the same time. His loss is devastating.”

Jennings continued: “Cornelius’ leadership can’t be overstated. For many years, he was one in all the nation’s leading HIV/AIDS warriors, working locally, nationally and internationally. No matter where he went, he proudly supported the HIV/AIDS community from the Nineteen Eighties until his death, serving in various positions including the Department of Health and Human Services, the National Association of Persons with Disabilities AIDS, and the Whitman-Walker Clinic . Jennings explained.

Jennings concluded: “His career also included several honors, including being the first recipient of the American Foundation for AIDS Research Foundation’s organization-building Courage Award. Our communities have lost a pillar in Cornelius, and as we mourn his death, we will be forever grateful for his decades of service to the community.”

Kaye Hayes, deputy assistant secretary for communicable diseases and director of the Office of Infectious Diseases and HIV/AIDS Policy, in her comment about his legacy, she called Baker “the North Star.”.

“It is difficult to overstate the impact his loss had on public health, the HIV/AIDS community or the place he held in my heart personally,” Hayes told Hiv.gov. “He was pushing us, charging us, pulling us, pushing us. With his unwavering commitment to the HIV movement, he represented the north star, constructing coalitions across sectors and dealing with leaders across the political spectrum to deal with health disparities and advocate for access to HIV treatment and look after all. He said, “The work isn’t done, the charge is still there, move on – you know what you have to do.” It’s in my ear and in my heart in the case of this job.

Hayes added: “His death is a significant loss to the public health community and to the many others who benefited from Cornelius’ vigilance. His legacy will continue to inspire and motivate us all.”

Baker is survived by his mother, Shirley Baker; his partner Nevins, who can be senior counsel at Lambda Legal; his sisters Chandrika Baker, Nadine Wallace and Yavodka Bishop; in addition to his two brothers, Kareem and Roosevelt Dowdell; along with the larger HIV/AIDS advocacy community.


This article was originally published on : www.blackenterprise.com
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Health and Wellness

Bovaer is added to cow feed to reduce methane emissions. Does it pass into milk and meat? And is it harmful to humans?

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There are growing concerns in regards to the use of feed supplements, Bowar 10to reduce methane production in cows.

Bovaer 10 consists of silicon dioxide (mainly sand), propylene glycol (food stabilizer approved by Food Safety Australia New Zealand) and lively substance 3-nitrooxypropanol (3-NOP).

There has been an enormous amount of misinformation in regards to the safety of 3-NOP, with some milk from herds fed this additive being labeled “Frankenmilk”. Others feared it could get to humans through beef.

The most significant thing is that 3-NOP is secure. Let’s clear up some major misconceptions.

Why do we want to limit methane production?

In our attempts to limit global warming, we’ve placed the best emphasis on CO₂ because the major man-made greenhouse gas. But methane is also a greenhouse gas, and although we produce less of it, it is: a much stronger greenhouse gas than CO₂.

Agriculture is the largest a man-made source of methane. As cattle herds expand to meet our growing demand for meat and milk, reducing methane production from cows is a vital way to reduce greenhouse gas emissions.

There are several ways to do that. Stopping bacteria within the stomachs of cows that produce methane one approach is to produce methane.

The methane produced by cows and sheep doesn’t come from the animals themselves, but from the microbes living of their digestive systems. 3-NO stop the enzymes that perform the last step of methane synthesis in these microorganisms.

3-NOP is not the one compound tested as a feed additive. Australian product based on seaweed, Rumin8for instance, it is also in development. Saponins, soap-like chemicals present in plants, and essential oils as well has been examined.

However, 3-NOP is currently one of the popular effective treatments.

Nitrooxypropanol structure: red balls are oxygen, gray carbon, blue nitrogen and white hydrogen.
PubChem

But is not it poison?

There are concerns on social media that Bovaer is “poisoning our food.”

But, as we are saying in toxicology, it’s the dose that makes the poison. For example, arsenic is deadly 2–20 milligrams per kilogram of body weight.

In contrast, 3-NOP was not lethal on the doses utilized in safety studies, up to 600 mg 3-NOP per kg body weight. At a dose of 100 mg per kg body weight in rats, it didn’t cause any adversarial effects.

What about reproductive issues?

The effect of 3-NOP on the reproductive organs has generated numerous commentary.

Studies in rats and cows showed that doses of 300–500 mg per kg body weight caused: contraction of the ovaries and testicles.

In comparison, to achieve the identical exposure in humans, a 70 kg human would want to eat 21–35 grams (about 2 tablespoons) of pure 3-NOP every day for a lot of weeks to see this effect.

No human will likely be exposed to this amount because 3-NOP doesn’t pass into milk – is fully metabolized within the cow’s intestines.

No cow will likely be exposed to these levels either.

The cow licks itself
Cows will not be exposed to levels tested on animals in laboratory studies.
Ground photo/Shutterstock

What about cancer?

3-NOP is not genotoxic or mutagenicwhich implies it cannot damage DNA. Thus, the results of 3-NOP are dose-limited, meaning that small doses will not be harmful, while very high doses are (unlike radiation where there is no secure dose).

Scientists found that at a dose of 300 mg per kilogram of body weight benign tumors of the small intestine of female ratsbut not male rats, after 2 years of every day consumption. At a dose of 100 mg 3-NOP per kg body weight, no tumors were observed.

Cows eat lower than 2 grams of Bovaer 10 per day (of which only 10% or 0.2 grams is 3-NOP). This is about 1,000 times lower than the appropriate every day intake 1 mg 3-NOP per kg body weight per day for a cow weighing 450 kg.

This level of consumption will likely be not the result in cancer or any of them other adversarial effects.

So how much are people exposed to?

Milk and meat consumers will likely be exposed to zero 3-NOP. 3-NOP doesn’t penetrate milk and meat: is completely metabolized within the cow’s intestines.

Farmers could also be exposed to small amounts of the feed additive, and industrial employees producing 3-NOP will potentially be exposed to larger amounts. Farmers and industrial employees already wear personal protective equipment to reduce exposure to other agricultural chemicals – and it is advisable to do that with Bovear 10 as well.

Milk
3-NOP doesn’t penetrate milk and meat.
Shutterstock

How widely has it been tested?

3-NOP has been in development for 15 years and has been subject to multiple reviews by European Food Safety Authority, UK Food Safety Authority AND others.

It has been extensively tested over months of exposure to cattle and has produced no unintended effects. Some studies actually say so improves the standard of milk and meat.

Bovaer was approved for use in dairy cattle by the European Union from 2022 and Japan in 2024. It is also utilized in many other countries, including: in beef products, amongst others Australia.

A really small amount of 3-NOP enters the environment (lower than 0.2% of the dose taken), no accumulates and is easily decomposed subsequently, it doesn’t pose a threat to the environment.

Since humans will not be exposed to 3-NOP through milk and meat, long-term exposure is not an issue.

What does Bill Gates have to do with this?

Bill Gates has invested in a distinct feed processing method for methane, Australian seaweed-based Rumin8. But he has nothing to do with Bovaer 10.

The Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation awarded research grants to the corporate producing 3-NOP for malaria control researchnot for 3-NOP.

The bottom line is that adding 3-NOP to animal feed doesn’t pose any risk to consumers, animals or the environment.

This article was originally published on : theconversation.com
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