Four Tips for Putting Yourself First, From a Recovering Person Who Wants to Please Others

It took me a while to admit it, but I’m (and all the time have been) a serial people pleaser. To put it mildly, I canceled my very own twenty first birthday celebration because my roommate was pressuring me to go to her boyfriend’s college party as a substitute. My friends couldn’t understand why I’d skip celebrating a milestone birthday to exit with a bunch of strangers. My roommate assured me it could be ten times more fun than hanging out in town like I had planned, but the reality was she didn’t want to go to the party alone. And my truth was that I didn’t have the courage to say no to her. I couldn’t handle the pressure of disappointing someone who was trying so hard to get me to go in a direction that was of their best interests over mine. So I spent my twenty first as a shy girl in a drunk and aggressive stranger’s house, where nobody talked to me, much less wished me a completely happy birthday. I went back to my dorm and cried myself to sleep, knowing that by not letting my roommate down, I used to be letting myself down.

Fast forward to today, and a lot has modified in my life. I’ve modified careers, moved from New York City to the suburbs, and am taking the primary steps toward buying a home. But I’m most happy with completing two years of therapy that was transformational in reversing my people-pleasing tendencies. I’ve been able to trace it back to the source: Growing up with well-meaning but emotionally unavailable parents, I always craved the reassurance and validation they couldn’t give. My parents never showed affection out of hand; only after I completed something, like making the glory roll or doing chores across the house that none of my siblings wanted to do.

This transactional form of affection became my plan. I believed that sacrifice was the value of entry into relationships. I didn’t like to cause a stir by speaking up when my needs weren’t being met, which kept me in a cycle of unrequited relationships. It was easy to see myself as a victim in these situations, but through therapy and ongoing self-reflection, I noticed that ending the cycle of people-pleasing had to start with the lady within the mirror—and step one was to re-parent the inner child inside her.

I unlearned people-pleasing by taking 4 intentional steps toward living more authentically and being more intentional about how I show up for myself and people around me. To explore this topic, I also spoke with two Black therapists: Joy Harden Bradford, Ph.D., founding father of Therapy For Black Girls and writer of and Candyce “Ce” Anderson, a mental health consultant and CEO of Revita Therapy and Wellness. Here are the insights they’d to share to stop putting the needs of others before their very own.

Put your “Future Self” first

There’s a reason flight attendants inform you to secure your oxygen mask before helping someone with theirs. It’s virtually not possible to help someone in a crisis whenever you’re not in a state of equilibrium yourself. By taking a moment to assess my priorities before committing to plans, I find myself more balanced and far less exhausted. How did I get here? By putting my future self first (because pouring from an empty cup all the time seems doable until it’s time to start pouring).

These days, when someone asks me for a favor, I stop to take into consideration how my future self will show up. Will I be too exhausted from the workweek to drive my friend to the airport? Will I actually have time to pick up that coworker’s extra task while they’re on vacation, or will my future self be hurt and irritated that I said yes after I’m barely maintaining with my work? Keeping my future self on the forefront of my decision-making has helped me manage my life from a place of self-compassion and honesty. It’s also given me relief because I can rest easy knowing that I haven’t overcommitted to anything.

Bradford noticed that when people overstep their boundaries, they often feel resentful, which is a clear signal that their boundaries need to be tightened.

“I think the first thing is to slow down when responding to requests,” she says. “A lot of us who fall into this people-pleasing trap, our immediate response is, ‘Yes, of course, I can do that,’ rather than taking some time to say, ‘Let me think about it, I’ll call you back.’ Slowing down allows you to examine whether you actually have the time and bandwidth to take on a new task or consider whether this is something you actually want to do.”

Get comfortable with conflict

In addition to recognizing your limitations, learning to say “no” and say “no” is important to avoiding people-pleasing territory. As a peace-loving, conflict-averse person, I’ve had to accept that there’s no way to avoid the conflict that may come from drawing a line within the sand. But saying “yes” to belongings you don’t really need to do so as to avoid conflict is rooted in fear and easily keeps you in a prison of over-giving. “People-pleasing comes from exhaustion and betrayal of yourself to please others out of guilt or fear of negative reactions from those people,” Anderson says.[People pleasers] “they work really, really hard to prioritize acceptance by others and avoid conflict even though it goes against their own interests.”

Honestly, I had to learn to placed on my big-girl panties and accept a little little bit of the proverbial struggle. I established healthier boundaries by calling people out once they were disrespecting me (intentionally or not) or crossing a line I had clearly set for them. People didn’t all the time respect it or prefer it, but it surely helped me separate the individuals who really cared about me and wanted to be a part of the community from the individuals who didn’t—and that wasn’t something to feel guilty about. Adding to that, Bradford confirms, “Letting go of a number of the things that make people completely happy means learning to be more comfortable with conflict and discomfort. Going back to the definition, I feel a lot of individuals try to avoid feeling guilty about having to say no. And I feel that [we should] give you the option to accept the incontrovertible fact that people could be upset or it could be uncomfortable, but you will not die from that feeling. Learning to accept that feeling will provide help to be more able to rise up for yourself.”

By setting boundaries on the road, I helped other people understand my needs, and in turn, I higher understood their needs.

Be prepared for grief in relationships

The hard truth is that many individuals in my life have benefited from my efforts to please others. I actually believed that every one of my unwavering kindness would sooner or later be reciprocated, and typically it was. However, those one-sided relationships quickly evaporated once I spoke up and asked for consideration and respect. It was incredibly painful to part ways with people I assumed were on my side, but grieving those relationships with the knowledge that we simply weren’t compatible helped me heal and move on with none ongoing resentment or anger. When it was all said and done, I used to be grateful to be ignored of those group chats.

Don’t get me mistaken — as humans, we’re a community. Part of being in a community is showing up for those that show up for you, which can sometimes require you to inconvenience yourself. But Bradford says reciprocity needs to be your barometer.[Ask yourself] do you’re feeling like everyone seems to be there for one another? Because I feel when that happens, you do not even think, “When was the last time this person did something for me?” Because that is the expectation within the circle. Whenever it starts to feel unbalanced and you are the one showing up or another person is showing up, then I feel that is the limit.”

Learning how to let people go without feeling guilty is particularly key. Anderson says it’s something that black women particularly struggle with. “When women sit down on my couch, the first thing they say is, ‘Yes, I’m overworked. Yes, I have high blood pressure. Yes, I have this chronic illness. But I still have to be there for people and give back to them, because when I don’t, I can’t deal with the guilt.”

Let people be there for you

Like many black women, I grew up with the trope of the “strong black woman.” I believed my independence was my superpower. Being able to endure life’s hardships alone and carry the burden of the world on my shoulders felt like a badge of honor. I felt ashamed to ask for help because I didn’t inherently feel worthy unless I used to be acting in service to others. Therapy helped me understand that there’s power in having the ability to ask for help whenever you need it and lean on those that love you.

Speaking to Bradford, she agrees that black women often have a hard time asking for help due to cultural norms, but we hurt ourselves more after we keep our mouths shut. “A lot of times we don’t want to burden other people,” Bradford says. “We don’t want to burden other people because we know how busy they are. But I say to people, ‘How many times would you drop everything to be there for someone?’ A lot of us do that a lot, but we don’t give people the opportunity to drop something for us. So I think asking for help and actually allowing people to show up for you is a skill that needs to be practiced.”