Some Black women have a message for the relationship coaches targeting them: They’re exhausted by the advice.

“If you claim to care about Black women and claim to use your platform to provide Black women with real service or good advice, listen to us when we say we are tired” – TikTok user Tsahai Layne sent.

In her video titled “PSA for ‘Dating Coaches’ for BW,” she says that black women are fed up with all of the content about how they need to look, see themselves, and where they rank on the dating scale.

“The politics of attractiveness, the politics of respectability, fatphobia… some of you dating coaches have managed to take all these isms, wrap them in a bow and feed them to black women to quantify why you are single,” Layne said.

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Her message resonated with black women.

“Yes, I am very tired of dating advice,” commented TikTok user Imani. “I’m not giving up on love, but I’m tired of being told what to do.”

“It had to be said!” TikTok user KR added. “Honestly, it feels exploitative at this point. Gaslighting and targeting Black women, our needs and desires, in the name of “helping” us is brutal.”

While Layne didn’t name any names on this particular video, other people within the comments mentioned Anwar White, Derrick Jaxn, and the late Kevin Samuels – all men who gave controversial dating advice to black women.

Layne previously addressed White, a relationship coach who calls himself a “fairy godbrother” to Black and brown women: after the recording he published explaining why “many black women don’t like coffee dates.” His video was a response to the infamous cheesecake factory saga that social media users talked about for days. A woman went viral after posting a video wherein she explained how she refused to go away her automotive because her date was taking her to a cheesecake factory.

White, who says he has been a dating coach for Black and brown women for over a decade, is the host of the “Get Your Guy” podcast, which he launched in November 2020. White also served as program director of the McGill Desautels Master of Retail Management. He began the video by stating that many women have a certain “entitlement” relating to how they’re asked out on a date.

“I’m a big fan of coffee dates. Coffee dates are really vital for many reasons, but I need to dig into the deeper the explanation why, especially Black and brown women, can have this opinion or wonder what dates are okay or inappropriate for coffee dates. “

She says black women are likely to keep away from coffee dates resulting from the shortage of effort. Another reason, he says, is that black families equate money with love.

“Many of us grew up in households where our parents worked most of the time, and when they returned, they tried to compensate for the lack of quality time with gifts and money,” she says. “That’s why birthdays and Christmas were so exaggerated and we equated money with love.”

Some agreed with White’s evaluation.

“Oh my god I agree,” TikToker Netta J commented on her video. “I’ll go for coffee anytime, because if I don’t like you, at least I’ll have a good cup of coffee and waste less time at the end.”

“I prefer coffee/tea dates because I find it casual,” added TikTok user AlwaysBetOnBLACK. “It gives me a chance to be authentic, to connect and learn.”

However, some people, including Layne, disagreed with White’s evaluation.

“I feel like he (White) just has a really big blindspot in this scenario because if you want to talk about black women not wanting to go on coffee dates, you have to get to the real reason,” Layne said.

She said White glossed over the facts and generalized them into scenarios: “Black women don’t want to date broke men.”

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“I’ll go one step further, because that’s not even the point,” he says. “Many men who live by coffee dates, walks within the park, climbing dates, no-effort dates, lots of them follow Red Pill podcasts, Manosphere podcasts, Manoshpere ideologies that spread anti-Black, anti-woman rhetoric and violent rhetoric throughout Day”.

Black women aren’t the one ones who don’t share a few of White’s advice. A recent video about “dangerous” light-skinned black men also sparked a backlash on TikTok.

“Biracial and lighter-skinned men are often dangerous,” White said in a video posted in November 2023. “They have God complexes, and that is because they’ve a number of various privileges. Quite privilege within the Black community, white privilege within the Black community, and male privilege.

He went on to clarify that biracial and lighter-skinned men have the identical rights as white men, but are traumatized by black men.

Needless to say, this upset a few men.

So the query becomes, what is one of the best ways for black women and men to search out authentic dating advice in a place of affection and authenticity? Evidence of this query comes from a recent query from a woman on the r/Blackladies subreddit.

Reddit users sympathized with the lady and said the most effective advice comes from individuals who live what they preach.

“Honestly, my favorite dating advice comes from healthy couples. Not some ‘coach’,” said one Reddit user.

“I would only seek advice from someone you trust and take online advice with a pinch of salt. There is nothing right or wrong with dating,” replied one other.

“People on the internet are just people on the internet,” one other Reddit user added. “You need to find people who know you and people you have dated who can give you detailed and appropriate advice.”