Warning: This article comprises spoilers from season six

As a black man, watching other black men on reality shows is stressful. It’s beautiful when black men come on these shows and display emotional intelligence and true, real love and look after black women. Yet often these men emerge bringing with them their very own brand of colorism and misogyny. , the sixth season of the Netflix dating series wherein strangers propose to one another unnoticed, is full of problematic Black men, in addition to just a few people who give us hope.

Clay Gravesande, one of this season’s heroes, started off as a stereotypically troublesome one-dimensional character. But as the season progressed, it became one of the most complicated depictions of black masculinity, generational trauma and inner turmoil in the history of reality television.

Clay began the season as an easily identifiable villain. When we meet him, he tells his potential partner, Amber Desiree Smith (aka AD), that he won’t select a girl unless he knows what she looks like. “I just have to be attracted to you,” Clay explained. “My favorite attribute is the mouth, the ass and so on. This sounds shallow, but when I’m going to propose to you, I want to know what your best qualities are.

Eventually, AD and Clay get engaged in the pod before going on vacation to the Dominican Republic, after which return home to seek out out in the event that they wish to get married in just a few weeks. He spent these weeks with Clay, exploring his pathology, fears and doubts about marriage.

His problematic comments continued, namely when he told AD that he would not let her gain an excessive amount of weight because he would tell her to “go to the f***ing gym.” He even went so far as to say that he would force her to exercise while she was pregnant. Seeing this, I rolled my eyes, once more frustrated that we had one other black man on a reality dating show who was prepared to mistreat a black woman.

However, as the season progressed, Clay began to debate deeper issues in his life. We learn that a significant role in his uncertainty about marriage was played by his father, whom he greatly admires. Clay described his dad several times as a suave womanizer. We later learn that Clay’s parents, Trevor and Margarita, have been married for over twenty years and that his father has been unfaithful for most of that point. According to Clay, when he was cheating on his mother as a toddler, his dad would take him on “high treason trips.” And Clay’s issues along with his father have coloured his relationship with AD – a lot in order that he talks about how frightened he’s about his marriage failing at every turn. Most of their scenes together revolve around Clay’s fears of infidelity and his readiness to be a husband.

While Clay struggles along with his own internal struggles about marriage, he always affirms how AD helps him and “checks” him when he’s flawed. Throughout their relationship, AD showed great patience and at all times assured Clay that he would give you the chance to see their relationship through to the end. However, the series doesn’t show exactly what Clay does for AD, although we do see him taking her on a romantic date just a few days before their wedding. The classic “Black woman builds up black man with nothing in return” scenario plays out on screen. The drama had me screaming at the screen for AD to see the red flags and leave Clay alone before she was doomed to a long time of basking in a person who had nothing to supply her. As time passes, it seems inevitable that this shall be their fate.

Of course, they each reach the season finale, where they prepare for the wedding and choose at the altar whether or not they really need to get married. But before the ceremony begins, Clay’s dad visits. Their dynamics are immediately visible. Clay’s face lights up as soon as he sees Trevor, who wastes no time telling Clay – and subsequently the audience – about his athletic prowess as a toddler and the way he almost made it to the Olympics. During the conversation, Clay transforms back into a toddler and seeks his father’s acceptance of his decision and where he’s.

The period leading as much as the wedding makes Clay’s decision seem a foregone conclusion. Before that, he celebrates along with his brothers and friends. He never mentions any hesitation. And he smiles as the ceremony begins, even reciting the vows – for instance: “I want to thank you for your patience” – mainly for what AD is doing for him. Everything indicates that they may each say “yes”.

But things aren’t going so easily.

AD said, “Yes.” Clay, nevertheless, shockingly replies no. “I don’t think I have an obligation to say yes,” he tells her. “I still need a job. I still have to get to the point where I’m 100%… I know I’m not fully ready for marriage and you deserve the best.”

I could not imagine it. Neither could social media viewers. At first I used to be outraged by AD.

How dare Clay refuse a girl who has done a lot for him and been so patient? However, the longer this episode went on, the more I noticed something: Clay’s rejection of AD is the first time we see him show her true love, one that puts her first, whether or not that was his actual intention. or not.

Everything Clay said at the altar was absolutely right. He wasn’t able to marry AD. He wasn’t ready to present her every thing he had. The vow he made to her before saying no was proof. Clay was capable of marry AD and see his life greatly improve by being with a girl who was willing to assist him grow. Most men simply resolve on this kind of marriage, desirous to profit from the fruits of a girl’s exertions and “build” them. Clay – in a moment that was somewhere between panic, uncertainty, and selfless love – had spared AD a few years of falling right into a man who wasn’t able to pour anything into her.

Clay’s rejection of AD was one of those unforgettable reality show twists. But a later scene turned the entire episode into something we rarely see on TV, in real life or anywhere else.

While AD and Clay cope with the consequences of his decisions, his parents must reckon with what they only saw. Their conversation is transformative, they usually discuss how the consequences of their marriage and divorce impacted Clay’s entire life. Margarita adamantly demands that Trevor have a serious talk with Clay in order that he doesn’t carry his shame and fears into his future relationships.

At that moment, the cameras captured an actual moment that I can not stop desirous about. While talking to his ex-wife, Trevor pauses, rubs his nose, and chokes just a little. As he does so, the camera focuses on Margarita, who’s taking a look at him with pure frustration on her face, and she or he slowly rolls her eyes internally. Margarita knows what’s coming. She’s seen it for over twenty years and is prepared for what comes next: “I never had the best role models,” Trevor explains, launching right into a monologue about how his father passed on his trauma to him. Margarita’s response was so real for anyone who has needed to live with explanations (and excuses) that do not take much work to heal and evolve. This is very true for black women who’ve needed to endure marriages like hers.

After Margarita cuts off Trevor’s excuses, the most necessary exchange yet occurs.

“Tell him to meet someone like his mom,” Trevor says with a smirk, as if his light-hearted moment would lighten the conversation.

“Yes, but you met me,” she tells him. “But you weren’t good to me.”

This word. Declaration. A requirement that he also acknowledge the pain he feels again after hearing about Trevor’s “infidelity trips” with Clay. It’s a refusal to capitulate to Trevor’s charming gaslighting. And it’s a cry for help for a suffering son.

The scene seemed too deep for something as boring as a reality show, nevertheless it’s also the type of scene that cannot be written. For a black woman to truthfully come to terms together with her ex-husband who has abused her for a long time and be heard seems like a pivotal and cathartic moment.

Clay’s rejection of AD probably means they will not have the conversation his parents just had. But it frees AD to seek out someone higher, worthy of her kindness and who will give it back to her.

At the end of the episode, AD is devastated and asks herself why men often leave relationships in a greater situation after experiencing her love, but she is left with nothing. I hope he sees Clay’s decision as a likelihood to alter that. I hope she will look back on their last moment together after being rejected, with Clay still attempting to get emotional support and affection from her without offering any comfort in return. I hope this reveals that men like him won’t ever be there for her.

Which brings me back to Clay. The last time we saw him, he was sad, ashamed and unsure of his decision. He looked shocked and walked away along with his head down. I do not know what’s next for Clay. I do not know if it can ever change. He has a lot pain and generational trauma to cope with.

And he must consult with his dad.

Upon first viewing, it is easy to see Clay as just one other troubled and problematic man in a history of problematic brothers on reality dating shows. But this season showed us quite a bit of what got him up to now in his life in a raw, unfiltered way that we just don’t often see in entertainment. Whatever happens next, Clay Gravesande shall be one of the most talked about characters we have seen on reality TV.