Mamas at work: Melanie Fiona on coming to terms with not having the birthing experience she wanted

For mothers like Melanie Fiona, the query: “How are you?” should not be taken flippantly. For those that really consider this thought, as an alternative of quickly responding with “I’m fine!” as is commonly the case in social conversations, it is a moment to really consider your needs.

“It really is the difference between getting over your feelings and testing yourself to be your best self,” he says.

So in answer to the query, Fiona truthfully admits that she has loads on her mind. She’s back on tour, hosting a podcast with Black Love Codie CEO Elaine Oliver, author Ashley Chea, and influencer Felicia La Tour. She is a businesswoman and a married mother of two children at very different points of their childhood. Many adjustments are obligatory.

“But I’m doing my best. And I think that’s what I stick to. It’s like, ‘give it your all and everything else will be fine,'” he says. “So I’m grateful that I’m healthy and I feel very blessed to be able to experience all of this at once.”

“How are you?” it is usually the most vital query that girls must ask themselves when preparing for motherhood. The most vital thing for expectant moms is to assess how they feel and know that they can be heard once they answer a matter. Since it’s Black Mothers’ Health Week, Fiona recalls the time when she was pregnant with her first child, now 8-year-old son Cameron, and after weighing in, she found that she had gained a major amount of weight in a brief period of time. Her birthing team didn’t take it very seriously at first.

“I used to be 11 kilos heavier. I remember the nurse said to me, “Oh, did you eat a lot on Thanksgiving?” And I said, what? The query got here up: well, why did I gain 11 kilos and would anyone care to discover what meaning?

She was tested for gestational diabetes, but the results were negative, and when the third trimester got here and went, “I was so swollen,” she recalled. “I gained over 80 pounds and no one seemed concerned about why my body was retaining so much water or reacting this way to the pregnancy.”

When she went into labor, hoping for a vaginal and natural birth, she was told she had developed preeclampsia. Her team began discussing an emergency caesarean section with the singer, and she admittedly was not prepared for this moment.

“I think the biggest supporters I had in the room were my doula, my husband and my best friend at the time. They all made me feel that you should surrender to what is best for the health and well-being of you and your baby,” she says. “And this one nurse stayed with me after her shift because she knew I was having a very hard time coming to terms with the idea that my labor and delivery would not go as planned.”

Finally, Fiona gave birth to a healthy baby boy. While she was grateful for this, she spoke openly about the disappointment of feeling cheated and deprived of the birthing experience she wanted. “I left feeling like there was this huge transformation, and I didn’t feel like I was participating at all because I was in surgery and I wasn’t holding on and pushing like I thought I would,” she says. “And so I was left with postpartum depression, which made me understand my experience and I had to deal with it on my own.”

While pregnant with her second child, daughter Kaia Love (now 2), Fiona did the whole lot she could to prepare for the birth she wanted, which included giving birth vaginally, although she had a C-section the first time. But there have been obstacles.

The recent doctor she was seeing told her that their practice did not support Fiona’s desire to have a vaginal birth after a cesarean section (or VBAC), so halfway through her second pregnancy she was left with the task of finding a brand new doctor. The next doctor she considered had a personality that did not match hers. Another believed that she could only be a candidate for his care if, based on statistics about the success rate of black women with VBAC treatment, she agreed to sign a contract stipulating that she would not last a certain variety of weeks.

With some help, especially from Kimberly Durden from Kindred Space in Los Angeles, Fiona was eventually referred to several black obstetrician-gynecologists. She selected a one that could come to her home for meetings and who was an awesome support and advocate for her. Unfortunately, the star’s VBAC hopes still fell through as she was told she had developed placenta previa, which is the placenta that grows above the cervix during the third trimester of pregnancy. Having a health care provider who helped her deal with her emotions and reassured her to undergo with it again and schedule a second cesarean section allowed Fiona to come to terms with the situation and emerge from it as a healthy mother with a healthy baby.

“I was absolutely devastated, but my doctor just helped me, not even just physically, but when she came to my next appointment, she literally took 45 minutes to sit down with me and let me cry about my disappointment,” she said.

This support made the difference. It also helped her develop a relationship with her doctor, which she treasures a few years after Kai Love gave birth.

“I still send her photos of my daughter and she checks me out,” says Fiona. “It made me realize I had two different experiences. Representing myself for the second time made me feel so far more supported that I used to be able to access resources and thus have the option to advocate for myself and create the experience I wanted, understanding that almost all women don’t achieve this. “

She adds: “This is a huge problem because black women die at three times the rate of women from other racial groups. It really made me understand that we were dealing with a huge crisis and why it was so important to me to have a woman of color supporting me in the hospital.”

Fiona led talks on Black maternal health and its impact on women. She says black parents-to-be need the high level of support that was required of her as she prepared to give birth for the second time.

“It shouldn’t be like this, but unfortunately we have to do our due diligence because we have to be our biggest advocates. We don’t have a medical system to support us in this way. And so, unfortunately, we have to shop at the doctor’s. But the reality is that not everyone has the time and resources for this and that is the worst truth. It can be overwhelming, but I would encourage women and people giving birth even earlier; if you’re thinking about having kids, you listen to podcasts like , you do your research, you talk to your friends who have kids and you really start to think about all the factors related to the things that you would like to have and you start working on your feet of “OK, well let me look at some the resources available in my community to start educating myself on this when my time comes is very important,” she says.

“Or start it all as soon as you know you’re pregnant,” she adds. People think you may have to wait until week 12 or something like that. It’s like, no, if you happen to’re going to carry your baby throughout your pregnancy, you may have every right to advocate for yourself from the moment you concentrate on having a baby. We have to defend ourselves from the very starting.”

When she’s not educating and offering healing and community through her podcast, performing, caring for her children, or being a wife, Fiona finds ways to practice self-care. At the time of our conversation, she was just outside the gym, preparing for a workout. Other times he goes out to lunch with friends and doesn’t rush straight home. Most often, she just dresses and takes care of herself. “I create spaces and ways where I can focus on myself and my well-being,” she says.

“I think there are a lot of things we do as moms that make us feel guilty. And I struggled with this from the beginning. But one thing I really realize is that life, God willing, is long. How I show up for my kids when I’m there is also important. Equally important is that my children see me happy and pursuing my own happiness,” she says.

“You have to make time for yourself. “I don’t care if you’re at home and have to put your baby in front of you for 30 minutes so you can lie down on a pad, or if you can sit outside and take a deep breath,” she adds. . “I don’t care if you have to turn to your partner, hire help, or ask a friend, ‘Hey, can you watch my baby for an hour so I can go to a quick Pilates class?’ Sometimes we forget that we are worthy of asking for help with these things.”

Eight years after starting her journey into motherhood, Fiona now finds joy in helping other women deal with their very own struggles. When asked about the biggest lesson she’s learned as a mother and woman, she thinks back to her pregnancies and says the most vital thing is to give up.

“Surrendering to the idea that you can only control as much as you can. And then mercury retrogrades happen and you wonder why is this happening? Why would my child spill juice all over himself while we were running out of the house? You have to understand that there are some things that are beyond your control and these are the moments that really teach you to have grace and surrender to yourself.”

Fiona adds: “And that is what each pregnancies and births have taught me. When I got here back from labor and delivery with my son, my mantra was to quit because I had to quit on the whole lot. And so, once I became pregnant with my daughter, things took a distinct turn. Even though I did my due diligence, counseled, and went to doctors, considering I used to be prepared, life got here. But if I hadn’t learned the lesson of give up during my first visit, I do not think I’d have made it through the second stage of pregnancy and labor as easily. So give up has been my biggest lesson and helps me stay calm in the chaos.