Lifestyle
“I love you, but I hate you.” What to do when you can’t stand your long-term partner
It’s often said that there is a nice line between love and hate, but is it okay to sometimes hate your long-term partner? If you ask actress Jamie Lee Curtis, it’s practically needed.
When asked concerning the secret of her 40-year marriage to actor Christopher Guest, she recently replied that the important thing to success is patience, perseverance and “a really big dose of hate.”
“Suddenly you literally want to hate each other. And the next day it’s a nice, sunny day and the dog does something cute or your kid does something cute and you look at each other and go, ‘Oh my gosh,'” Curtis told “Entertainment Tonight” after accepting an Emmy for his role in “The Bear.” “And you’re on a different track.”
Relationship experts say it’s normal for couples to experience moments that feel like real hate. The difference between couples who survive and those that don’t is how they cope with their emotions in these moments.
“Hating the person you love is the most common thing in the world,” said Jane Greer, marriage and family therapist and writer of Am I Lying to Myself? How to overcome denial and see the reality. “We think we should love our partner all the time, unconditionally, but that’s not the case.”
Yes, you should “get rid of the little things”
Stereotypical annoyances like leaving the bathroom seat open or shoes littering the ground add up if left unaddressed, says Terri Orbuch, a professor of sociology at Oakland University and writer of “Five Simple Steps to Taking Your Marriage from Good to Great.”
To prevent pet anger from turning into an even bigger problem, it is vital to “worry about the little things,” said Orbuch, whose research has followed a whole lot of couples over 36 years.
“What starts as a small, irritating habit becomes, ‘You’re not listening to me. You don’t love me. Maybe we’re not compatible and I hate you,” she said.
But criticizing the issue within the moment is not the perfect approach, Orbuch said. Find time and situation to discuss it: away from the children, not right after work, right before you leave for the day, or when you’re drained in bed.
Be specific
Orbuch really useful starting the discussion with the positives after which using what she called an XYZ statement. For example, give examples that show that you know that is an overall great partner, equivalent to being an important friend or being good to your mother. Then do the next: When I do X (throw clothes on the ground) in Y situation (as an alternative of the trash can), I feel Z (frustrated).
Then ask, “Can we talk about this?”
Highlighting a selected behavior will help your spouse or partner deal with the issue higher than if you blame her or him for a personality flaw, equivalent to, “You’re a terrible slob.”
“We lock the person up where they don’t know what to say or what to change to alleviate the frustration,” Orbuch said.
When you can, highlight loving moments
Greer said an important way to quickly dissipate hateful moments is to construct a reservoir of positive emotions. Pay attention not only to the points of your partner that you adore, but also to why they make you feel good.
For example, if your partner gives you flowers, as an alternative of just thanking him, tell him how you felt when you received them. Saying you appreciate the flowers since it showed they listened to something you needed helps reinforce those positive emotions, she added.
“When you feel love, it’s important to name it,” Greer said. “It’s important to say, ‘You know what, I’m having a moment where I can love you.'”