A short and absurd (but true) list of things I’d rather do than get slapped by Mike Tyson

Mike Tyson, 58-year-old former heavyweight boxing champion, is able to fight Jake Paul, 27, web personality turned boxer, on November 15, 2024, at AT&T Stadium in Arlington, Texas. If you are even remotely concerned with sports, you are probably aware of this. Heck, even in the event you’re only mildly concerned with popular culture, you could be aware of this, because Mike Tyson was an absolute staple of 90s popular culture and has been in and out of the general public consciousness for a spread of reasons over the past few a long time, good and bad. I mean, it’s Mike Tyson. He is at the highest of Rushmore People Named Michael together with Michael Jackson, Michael Jordan and Michael Harriot.

It’s…Mike. Iron Mike Tyson. This is the guy about whom Will Smith created a song (as a member of the hip-hop duo DJ Jazzy Jeff and The Fresh Prince) titled “I Think I Can Beat Mike Tyson.” There was a video game version of “Punch-Out!!” called “Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out!!” — Mike Tyson had a video game!!!!

Mike Tyson was such a ferocious and powerful fighter that he often knocked people out in the primary round. Then in 1997 he bit Evander Holyfield on the ear. I say: I like Mike Tyson, but I don’t desire to smoke with Mike Tyson. Jake Paul desires to have all of the smoke with Mike Tyson, hence their upcoming fight. And throughout the weigh-in before the fight, he stepped on Mike Tyson’s toe, causing Mike Tyson to beat the dog out of him. Look, Jake Paul took it the way in which he must have. He needed to act unmoved. He needed to pretend that not only did it not hurt, nevertheless it barely had any impact.

I’m not Jake Paul.

I don’t desire him to ever get punched by Mike Tyson. I do not even wish to be Mike Tyson. I would really like to satisfy Mike Tyson, shake his hand and say nice things to him. To illustrate how serious I’m about never wanting Mike to slap me, here’s a ridiculous but true list of things I’d rather do than get slapped by Mike Tyson.

1. Bathe within the Nickelodeon slime that was thrown at people during “Double Dare”

2. Eat a bucket of wasabi-dipped cauliflower

3. Walking on a bed full of nails right after my toes were dazzled by the faces of 10 popular Marvel characters

4. Pointlessly and annoyingly, call 1,000 people by the tip of 2024 and ask in the event that they would really like to alter their long-distance carrier, like I did once I was a student within the Nineteen Nineties.

5. Write down every subtle difference between the 1977 version of the Roots miniseries and the 2016 version.