Are you thinking about dating someone with kids? Read this book first.

Erica Grace is an creator, lawyer, and parenting dating consultant who believes that a single person (without children) can have a healthy and long-term relationship – dare I say marriage – with a parent.

“I would be bored if I said no,” Grace tells ESSENCE. “I want to fall in love again and I have two children.” The creator is a single mother who can be divorced, but her relationship and experience with dating her parents didn’t start out that way.

The New York native was once single, without children, and dating a person with a daughter. The couple fell in love, got married and had children. Eight years after her wedding, she decided to go away the wedding as a result of infidelity. In the midst of her destruction, Grace decided to show her grief into service. This was the catalyst for her recent book, . The self-help text took six years to jot down, but divorce was the motivation for Grace to place her insights on paper and share them with the world.

“I went into this as a single girl dating her parent. So this situation allowed me to fully understand the different players in a blended family,” the creator tells ESSENCE. “If I will help someone within the situation I’m in – in order that their marriage doesn’t end due to lack of boundaries or lack of preparation – then I feel like I’ve done something about the suffering.”

In , Erica Grace provides a “road map” for navigating what it takes to ascertain a high level of commitment with someone with children, however the creator emphasizes that the book is a tool for stepdads, single parents, and single people dating alike with parents . She explores topics similar to boundary-setting, co-parenting, and step-parenting from her and her interviewees’ perspectives, as their anecdotes are interwoven throughout the text. As single parenthood becomes more common within the United States, with 23% of youngsters living with one parentthere isn’t any doubt about the accuracy of the text, especially for people within the dating pool.

We talked to Grace about what people should know in the event that they’re considering dating someone who has kids (or are even completely against the concept). Here he discusses things to look out for, healthy blended families, the sadness of being separated out of your mother or father, and rather more.

The gist: You seemingly start the marriage by discussing your experiences as a young single person dating someone with children – what were your weak points What should others be careful for?

Erica Grace: It’s very easy to get blindsided within the early stages of dating. You are blinded by the sweetness of a baby, you are blinded by love, or perhaps you are even simply lost in infatuation with an individual. That one person you date, love, or desire tells you things that is probably not the entire picture. So if I had more knowledge and knew what to look out for, I might have noticed the flags. To have healthy blended families or healthy parenting relationships, boundaries have to be set from the start. And in order that became the crux of the book.

What are a very powerful things to think about as a single person when establishing a relationship with a parent?

If you are dating a non-custodial parent, you must ask whether the person you are dating has a parenting agreement. How often are they with their child? Do they spend every other weekend with you and never with their child? If so, that is a red flag. Do they contribute financially to the kid’s life? What is the connection between them and the kid’s other biological parent? It will take time to acknowledge the connection between the parent you are dating and your child’s other biological parent, but listen to their communication. If you’re driving with your partner and your child’s other biological parent calls, does your partner answer? How do these people interact; are they friendly? What do text messages seem like between them? You can return 10 years in text messages with my ex-husband. You’ll see every conversation we have ever had, nothing has been deleted. And then you will see the character of our conversations change between April 2023, our divorce, and the current. After this change, there isn’t any indication that I’m related to him.

On the opposite hand, if you’re dating a custodial parent, you need to grasp that your dates will have to be planned – there’s not much room for spontaneity. But ask yourself, what’s their relationship with their child? How do they interact? What are the degrees of respect? Does a mother call her son “my king”? What is their parenting style? How do they discipline their children? Is this completely different from how you would wish to discipline if you had a baby together? Remember that this person’s parenting style probably won’t change.

How should you approach parent and child dating with a couple of person?

Whatever you’re struggling with at once, multiply it by two or three. And in case your partner is messy with one ex but not the opposite, you’re still dealing with a large number. I do not think people must be excluded from the dating pool simply because they’ve a number of exes, but you higher do your due diligence.

In one other chapter you talk about the order of things. You say that in a partnership, God comes first, then the spouse, then the youngsters, after which everyone else. How did this order come about?

When you come from a family unit, there isn’t any doubt who will come first in this situation. In the case of a blended family, the situation is totally different because often the kid existed before the brand new partner. So this could be strange, especially if no boundaries have been set with this child.

So, if you ever allow your child to be within the space where your partner should exist, it would be really uncomfortable when you introduce him to someone recent. So if you’re the variety of woman who calls her son “king,” good luck finding a brand new “king” to bring into this space. Or if you’re a dad who’s connected to your daughter in a way where you confide in her, or if she’s doing the dishes or taking good care of the younger kids, that makes it harder or harder for someone else to come back into that space. You robotically grow to be a nasty stepfather because every little thing changes when a brand new person comes along. The key to this is that you have to be in a really healing space to be certain that you are selecting a superb partner.

But yes, your spouse comes before your kids. You must create this relationship with your spouse, especially when young children are involved. You wish to make certain that you are raising them together as a unit and that each one children, whether or not they were from a previous relationship or out of your relationship, were loved the identical, disciplined the identical and every little thing was equal. And if you do not have this order, your own home might be a large number.

In the book you discuss the difficulty of mourning, more specifically when you break up with parent, then you break up with their child. But as you explained, it goes beyond that. What does mourning seem like when you reunite with your parent and grow to be a part of a blended family?

Oddly enough, the mourning chapter was written before the divorce. It began with me growing up in a family unit and really having to mourn that. I at all times loved my stepdaughter, but I understood that there would at all times be one other adult who would have a say in what was occurring. I also wished she could possibly be at every event. I needed to regret it.

After the divorce, this separation developed. That’s why I feel that as a single person marrying someone with children, you should regret not having a standard family. Then, as a single mom, I needed to mourn the indisputable fact that my children would have to go away home and never be with me at times, which was painful. I wrote a chapter titled “Don’t Throw the Baby Out with the Bathwater” since it focuses on what happens after a wedding ends. What will occur to my relationship with my stepdaughter? I raised her for eight years. It’s unfair to her and unfair to my children and her siblings.

What are your hopes for this book? What type of insights and inspiration can you offer readers, with or without children, who would really like to have a healthy, sustainable and long-lasting relationship?

I hope that married people can use this as a tool to recalibrate. I hope that folks in relationships with individuals who have grow to be stepparents actually read this book – and not only stepparents. They need to grasp their weak points; perhaps they need to give their spouse a voice. Perhaps in some sense they’ve to start out from scratch. I hope this allows people to recalibrate so that they can have a healthier relationship. I also hope that folks in extremely unhealthy relationships may have the strength to go away. There is a chapter within the book titled “Knowing When to Go.” People shouldn’t enter into relationships that cause them pain in any way. Discomfort is okay, pain isn’t.

Single people shouldn’t blindly enter right into a relationship, let alone marriage, with a parent. Ask questions. And for single parents, once you get married the order of things is: God, your spouse and your kids. But when you come together, you come together for yourself and your kids. Choose a partner that is sensible for you and your child.