Here’s how to deal with toxicity from your ex when you end a relationship

Although Cardi B and her ex Offset have had many ups and downs of their relationship, the Grammy-winning rapper has finally decided that she is finished with the wedding. We previously reported that she filed for divorce. She and Offset recently had a falling out on social media because the previous Migos member accused Cardi of sleeping with another person. At the identical time, she was pregnant, later mentioning that he “won” because she was his “baby mom”, which caused a storm of opinions and outrage on the Internet.

Many black women have recognized this behavior because they often experience their significant others trying to intentionally sabotage their progress or use their success to lift themselves up. But I still wondered if their whole argument might have been avoided. And if Cardi B cheated, was it justified as some online claimed? So I made a decision to contact two relationship experts, Damona Hoffman and Nikquan Lewis, to learn how to deal with difficult interactions with an ex.

According to Hoffman, a successful artist gives us a masterclass in how not to break up. “Cardi B is giving us a masterclass on how not to break up right away. First, I might say, don’t try to solve the issue within the court of public opinion. The gory details of their breakup and cheating rumors should not be spread on social media, especially when they’ve children together who may have to read all of it sooner or later. There isn’t any reason to publicly post the main points of your breakup on social media or share them with all your family and friends. It may appear to be revenge, but within the end you’re only hurting yourself,” he says.

Instead of airing your dirty laundry on social media, he suggests using the art of silence. “I counsel you to stop communicating for a while. This is difficult when you have children in common or assets to sort out, so if that is your situation, try to find an intermediary. Otherwise, it’s easier to heal if you don’t talk to your ex until you’ve taken time to process your feelings. “It’s very common that when you start connecting again, you fall back into old patterns if you haven’t done your job, and in the case of Cardi B and Offset, this kind of blow-up followed by an on-off-again dynamic is nothing new,” says Hoffman .

Lewis and Hoffman consider it is best not to take hurtful comments from your ex-partner personally. “Hurtful comments are sometimes a last-ditch attempt by a toxic ex to regain control or power in a situation where they not have anything to say. Often this isn’t latest behavior and has happened before in the course of the relationship. It may hit in another way once you’re done and need to move on since it’s a time of vulnerability, especially if you keep going because you know you have to, but a part of you doesn’t want to. It’s necessary to realize that these comments will not be a reflection of you – they’re projections of pain, insecurity, and unresolved trauma. Clapping in response could also be satisfying, but your strength lies in responding and never responding. Choose emotional distance over argument, says Lewis.

Now it is time to address the elephant within the room. Is cheating even socially acceptable? Hoffman says: I do not think this provides a solution to the relationship. As Cardi B has said publicly, they need to work on their communication. Communication should at all times come before motion.” Lewis agrees: “Betrayal does not restore dignity, make the situation less painful, or erase past relationship trauma; this only adds to the emotional damage. The moment you decide that your partner’s toxic behavior no longer defines you or your actions, you take back your power. True power comes from choosing to live intentionally, not reactively.”

He continues, “Moving forward, your goal ought to be to honor yourself by defining your values, principles, morals, and relationship standards, which should dictate how you act. Once you do that, if you value qualities reminiscent of growth, respect, and honesty, they need to influence your decision-making process to determine whether cheating is appropriate. It’s necessary to make decisions which can be consistent with who you want to be – not who you were when you were with that person, or in moments where decisions are driven by feelings like hurt.

According to Lewis, “Dealing with a breakup is difficult enough, but when you’re dealing with a toxic partner/relationship, the emotional burden may be unbearable, not to mention the trauma within the relationship that always continues to impact those involved. Once you’ve decided you’re done with a relationship, the important thing to protecting your peace is to set clear, direct, and intentional boundaries – not only for your ex, but for yourself. This means selecting to heal as a substitute of getting the last word, responding when you are pressured, and getting your “lick” back.

Lewis suggests specializing in what’s best for you reasonably than taking revenge. “Instead, you should focus on what you need to do to move forward, understanding that just because it’s the best doesn’t mean it’s easy. This can be a very difficult process and requires determination, self-love, support and a lot of self-control,” she states.

Additional ways to get through a difficult breakup with a toxic partner According to Lewis:

Be intentional: Breaking away from toxicity requires intentionality. This process involves leaving physically and creating emotional, mental and spiritual space. This is where your clear and direct boundaries with your ex come into play and you take steps to limit his access to you. This may include unfollowing/blocking them on social media or on your phone and telling your friends about your boundaries in order that they know how they’ll support you during this time. This process will likely require you to make an effort to not react to what you see online, maintain only crucial communication, and at all times stick to the boundaries you set for yourself and your ex. If toxic and hurtful comments escalate into harassment/defamation, please pursue your legal remedies and notify others to play with another person.

Focus your healing: Focus on healing by repeating positive affirmations to yourself, reminding yourself of your value, and delving into self-love practices. Surround yourself with individuals who value you and put money into things that bring you joy, healing and growth. Take it sooner or later at a time, knowing that every step away from toxicity is a step closer to a true life focused on pleasure. Most importantly, keep in mind that healing isn’t linear – it is commonly chaotic and scattered, nevertheless it is value it. Respect your progress and at all times select peace over chaos.

Ending a toxic relationship means it is time to rewrite your narrative, stuffed with intention, self-respect, and healing. You deserve a space where you can create a relationship that’s consistent with the love and respect you have at all times wanted – starting with your relationship with yourself.