The Diabolical Nature of Single-Ply Toilet Paper

I’m not haughty or smug—for those who will, conceited—about many things. I eat at chain restaurants; even Taco Bell. I purchase a pack of white T-shirts and wear them as an important outfit until they run out. I do not know much about wine or cheese. I even prefer paperbacks.

But where I draw the road and where my smug nature comes out is with toilet paper. I HATE single-ply toilet paper and I judge individuals who buy it and put it in guest bathrooms for people like me to make use of. I get really offended when I’m in hotels and restaurants and my gut starts growling and I see razor-thin toilet paper waiting for my ass. I’d as well wipe myself with my bare hand. Sure, it’s gross, but that is the message I get after I show up at people’s homes and see through the bathroom paper. It’s why I often bring rolls of toilet paper with me when I am going to hotels.

I truthfully don’t understand why 1-ply is a thing. No one likes it. You’ve never heard anyone say they wanted 1-ply toilet paper. Ever. I assume it’s purely a value issue, because why else would someone produce and sell to the masses a roll of toilet paper that does a lousy job? I do not know a single one that actively believes that 1-ply toilet paper is top of the range or efficient. Sure, it could do the job, but at what cost? I take advantage of half a roll each time I come into contact with it. And I’m at all times irritated afterward; my skin deserves the very best.

Lifestyle

I’m a two-ply guy and a brand snob. I’m a Charmin guy. In fact, before we got married, I made it clear to my future wife that we might not be buying or using any of this pointless toilet paper from every other brand in our home. She tried to bring a pack of single-ply into the home and he or she was locked out. I could have even left it on the curb. My disdain for single-ply is so real. I hate it. I hate it after I see it. I hate the best way he walks, the best way he talks, I hate the best way he dresses. If 1-play was Drake, I can be Kendrick Lamar. I’m all about single-ply toilet paper and the individuals who break it down for us civilized people to make use of.

I don’t have a rental yet, but when I did, I’d get great reviews because the very first thing people would notice about my place can be that I stocked the bathrooms with real, high-quality, sturdy, two-ply toilet paper (at the least). I’d spend the extra cash — because I care about people. I’d be a rarity because every place I rented had some trash as an alternative of toilet paper. And why would you try this to people? Don’t you realize that good toilet paper (and real paper towels) can change the entire experience?

Seriously, 1-ply toilet paper is evil. It’s diabolical on your butt. It’s a travesty of tushtastic proportions. Stop using it. Stop buying it. Be kind to yourself and others. No one who involves my house will ever should worry about what’s in my bathroom, at the least not because of toilet paper. If anything, it is perhaps an excessive amount of, because perhaps I by accident picked up a mega roll of toilet paper and now I even have a tough time getting the bathroom paper off the holder since it’s rubbing against the wall. I even have an issue with mega rolls XL because they do not slot in holders, either wall-mounted or as standalone toilet paper holders. I mean, it is perhaps an excessive amount of, but hey, that appears like one of those good problems.

The point is that 1-ply is bad. Down with 1-ply toilet paper and people who put it of their home guest bathrooms. Or anywhere.